The Body Beloved and Perfection

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Isabelle Tierney, M.A.

© 2002 Isabelle Tierney. All rights reserved.

After reading my first article, a number of people expressed concern about my admission that I sometimes still struggle with food and body image. "You are the Body Beloved's primary salesperson", they said, "you can't tell people that you still struggle".

I started pondering what it is indeed I am "selling." Am I selling you the attainment of a "perfect" relationship with your body, mistake-free, selfless, and constantly aware? Am I telling you that this is your goal, that you will reach it in x number of days, weeks, or months?

I decided to look around at other relationships in my life to see if such perfection existed. Do I have "perfect relationship" with my husband or with my kids? With my friends, or with my family? Do I even expect to? The answer is a resounding "no, no, and no!"

So what do I expect of myself in those relationships? I expect and strive to be my best, to remember the Other before making relational decisions, and to take responsibility for my forgetting whenever I do. I expect that I will sometimes bulldoze the Other in order to get my needs met and I expect that I will sometimes have a hard time owning up to having done so. I expect that my impulses will sometimes get the best of me and that I will be unkind or unfair to another. And I expect to give myself a break after making such mistakes, for I trust myself to learn from them.

Do I mentally abuse myself when I am not "perfect" in these close relationships? Do I spent the next two hours calling myself "weak", "out-of-control", "disgusting", or any other such disparaging words? Do I go into a depressed funk, losing all faith at my ability to be a loving human being?

The answer of course is "no," for I know that I am human and cannot attain perfect relationship. Why is it, then, that so many of us expect us to attain this perfection in our relationship with our bodies? Why is it that we demand perfect control, discipline, selflessness, and awareness 24 hours a day and then mentally torture ourselves when we veer off course even slightly?

We have to get this: we will never attain perfect relationship with our bodies. We will make mistakes. We will override our bodies' needs so as to get our own met. We will forget that our bodies feel the impact of our actions. And we will act out our thoughts and emotions onto our bodies.

Can we stand this truth? Can we actually surrender to it, let ourselves breathe a big sigh of relief and open our hearts to imperfection and forgiveness? Can we actually believe that happiness comes from the acceptance of imperfection, not its rigid denial? A quote in the Pathwork, a spiritual path, describes this best: "The more you accept imperfection, the more joy you will give and receive. Your capacity for joy and happiness depends on your capacity to accept imperfection, not just intellectually, but as an emotional experience. And only as you accept imperfection can you lead a joyful life and derive enjoyment out of your relationships, all of which are bound to be imperfect." (Pathwork lecture #97)

I promise you this: do the Body Beloved work and you will transform your relationship with your body in ways that you never imagined. Practice its philosophy and you will find yourself filled with more and more love for your body. Remember, though, you will make mistakes and you will forget. But it is the quality of your responses to your mistakes that will determine your next course of action: respond with guilt and shame, and create further abuse both for yourself and your body. Respond with forgiveness and compassion and create love and acceptance.

I know which one I choose.

Blessings to all.

© 2002 Isabelle Tierney. All rights reserved.