Do We Really Need Boundaries?

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Isabelle Tierney, M.A.

©2003 Isabelle Tierney. All rights reserved.

The other day, a client informed me that she was going to visit a nutritionist, as doing the Body Beloved philosophy of "accepting her body as is" was taking away all motivation to watch how she ate and exercised.

Last week, a T.H.E. workshop attendee expressed her fear that if she was to love her body, she would lose all drive to improve herself.

We need to ask, then: does the Body Beloved philosophy teach us that loving our bodies means letting go of all food and exercise boundaries?  Does it tell us to be free of all constraints and “let it all hang out”?

In the healing work that I have done, I have identified two types of boundaries, those which originate from the outside and those which originate from the inside.  The boundaries created by the outside include those boundaries created by our parents, extended families, friends, and society.  Many of us who struggle with this issue often come from childhoods where outside boundaries were rigid, inflexible, and punishing, not only with regard to food but in other aspects of our lives as well.  The cost of not following rules to the letter (this is important) often led to harsh and unpleasant punishment: we were told that these strict boundaries were necessary to correct our "badness" and that following them would bring out our “goodness”.  We learned to internalize this belief.

As we grew up, we were automatically attracted to those outside authorities who also teach that strict and rigid rules will bring us goodness and happiness.  This is what we knew to be true.  Whether our families struggled with weight and body image issues or not, attaching ourselves to the societal expectations about our bodies fit our internal systems perfectly: follow strict and harsh rules and get rid of your badness and attain goodness and happiness.

We cannot underestimate the power of the hope in that promise: we all struggle with our darker side, and we are told that obeying these rules will help us get us rid of our negativities.  Who could turn that promise down?

There is one little problem: externally-derived, overly harsh rules can only be followed for so long before we rebel.  (I’m not sure if this is because a deeper part of us knows that these boundaries are overly tight and rigid and often make no real sense, or if we are supposed to eventually rebel against external authorities in order to find our own internal authority.  It could be both.)  What I do know is that the tighter and the stricter the boundary, the stronger and louder my rebel: the pendulum has to swing as far back the other way.  So we rebel, feeling the delicious and explosive release of those tight boundaries, swimming in the hard-earned sea of our freedom.  We eat and we eat and we eat, reciting our silent “f. you” mantra along with every bite, bathed in ecstasy.

And then, our by now internalized authoritarian voice (I call her my authoritarian bitch, but you are free to call her anything you want!) rears up and comes charging at us, screaming: “how could you do this, you weak-willed, lazy, good-for-nothing pig? I told you to follow my rules and you broke them.  I hope you feel shame, guilt, disappointment, and self-hatred for yourself.  You deserve it.”

Our heads bow down for we know that voice is telling the truth.  We are weak-willed and lazy and good for nothing.  Thankfully, though, we know the answer: follow the authoritarian voice’s dictates once again, live within the rigid boundaries, and you will have a second chance for redemption.

And thus the cycle starts over and over again, keeping us stuck in the role-locks (understand, the roles are locked?) of authoritarian voice/bad girl who longs to be good, and authoritarian voice/rebel and then back to authoritarian voice/bad girl who longs to be good.  How can we possibly have a way out of this hell?

We need to learn to let go of the boundaries we have culled from the outside world and develop authorities born inside of us, out of our own likes and dislikes, our own needs and preferences.  Have you ever actually asked yourself what you’d want to body to look like and feel like if you had never compared yourself to our cultural standards? I look at Boticelli’s “The Birth of Venus” and find that Venus’ soft and rounded curves appeal to me way more than Kate Moss’ angular and bony frame.  I look at the struggles I have had trying to “look perfect” and find that what I really want is to feel good, not look good.  Now, if looking good comes as a side-benefit, wonderful.  But today, if my choice is to feel better rather than look better — with all the crazy mind games and role locks that entails — I’ll choose feeling better. 

When I finally had the courage to surrender my authoritarian bitch, my societally-created boundaries, I discovered that I actually have a wise and responsible self who does in fact expect me to take care of my body, that has in fact given me boundaries to stick to so that I’ll feel better.  That was huge, as I had always been told that without externally-derived boundaries, I would just be bad and stay bad.  I eat fewer carbs and more protein and vegetables.  Not because I expect myself to become thinner but because I long for more health and energy to propel myself through my crazy days.  I rarely rebel against this boundary, because it is a boundary that I have created from MY likes and dislikes, not what some external source told me to do.  That’s what I want.  Now, do you know what you want?

©2003 Isabelle Tierney. All rights reserved.